Sunday, March 20, 2016

More on Monogamy and Sex!

Its been a minute but finals gave me a headache and 20 pages and two tests I am back! I hope that you are enjoying the first day of Spring today. Its cold here in Charlotte, NC so it doesn't feel like Spring but I'm looking forward to it. I hope you are too.

Our last blog we were continuing out subject Lets Talk About Sex and our topic was n Monogamy. To freshen up, you can view the last blog here.  In a nut shell, we  were discussing , marriage and committed relationships and how to communicate your needs before stepping outside of your relationship. The main points were:
1. If your relationship is getting stale, practice on working it better as often as you can and talk about.
2. Do not talk to someone else about your sex (relationship) problems before talking to your mate.
3. If you are not getting enough sex or the sex with your partner isn't good, talk about it with your partner and do things to enhance your relationship and sex life.
4. Be open and honest about what you want without putting your partner down.
5. If you want to try something new in the bedroom approach is slowly.
6. Instead of making it just about sex, set up a romantic atmosphere and spend some time together while getting in the mood- foreplay!
7. If the above doesn't work and you've tried everything, then seek counseling.

Some people don't and that leads to the #1 reason people break up or get divorced- CHEATING. I did a poll on Facebook to get people's feedback on why do people cheat.
When asked why do women cheat the top 3 reasons were:
1. To fill a void.
2. Lack of attention.
3. Finding a better fit (grass is greener on the other side)

When asked why do men cheat, the reasons were:
1. Greed
2. Unhappy and only there for the kids
3. Men are hunters. They are always looking for new pu^%y
4. Women are settling for someone's else man instead of their own man so its easy to cheat
5. Grew up in a house where cheating was common

I couldn't put just three reasons for the men because the replies were so detailed.

When asked in general why people break up or get divorced the replies were:

  • Selfish or self centered 
  • Fall out of love
  • Lack of trust
  • Financial issues
From our poll, it seems that people agree with the experts on why people break up and why people cheat, so how can we change this so that relationships are getting stronger not weaker and people are more monogamous to each other with their hearts, minds and bodies?
Well one way we can do this is by being friends FIRST before we start dating. Getting to know a person and actually liking them before you start being intimate is essential. When you jump into an intimate relationship and sex before really getting to know a person it can cause a lot of heartache (especially for women). We talked about this is in our first topic in Let's Talk About Sex.
When dating, let it flow naturally. Continue to learn about each other. Romance each other. Talk about everything. Enjoy each other. If it doesn't feel right, say so and move on. Sometimes we stay in relationships (me included) because we don't want to be alone or we have gotten comfortable. Don't do it. Move on. There is someone for everyone.

If it does feel right, move on to the courting phase but only if you can see yourself being together, and only each other, for a lifetime. Courting doesn't always lead to marriage but its the period of time where you talk about kids, your future, what you want out of life, dreams, compatibility, and so forth and if you both want the same things or can compromise on what you both want then make it official and put a ring on it. Only make this final commitment if you are 360% sure. I have been using this number for years now and some people don't understand it but its simple. I could say 100 but when you do something 360, you look at it from all angles before making your next move. Marriage is 360, giving it your all TOGETHER, monogamously, whole-heartedly. Relationships should be the same way too. If you make a commitment to each other, then respect it. If you don't want the commitment anymore, have respect for the person enough to end it. Do not cheat. Do not start looking elsewhere. Talk about it. Work on it. Go to counseling if you have to but if you can't work it out or don't want to, leave. 

Simply put Monogamy is about mutual respect, courage, practice, communication, trust, and LOVE. When you LOVE your mate you want to be with them and only them regardless if you are having problems or not. I remember a lyric in a song that said that "I rather fight with you then live another minute without you (or something like that)." That's how I feel. I am all about working on things until their is nothing else to do especially when I love someone. I feel that if my heart falls for you then their is a reason. I also feel that at my age, I don't want to be a serial dater. I want to have that ONE I can love everyday, have sex with every opportunity we can, argue with if need be and have awesome makeup sex just to wake up and love all over him again and live our lives together. I deserve someone who loves me and only me just like You deserve someONE to love You and only You. Monogamy is not for the weak or for the old. Monogamy is for the strong and for the respected. 
Practice it. I think you will enjoy it. There are so many ways to do it (wink*)!

Thursday, March 17, 2016

Happy St. Patricks Day!

I hope everyone is enjoying this beautiful day in your green.
To learn about the history of St. Patricks Day visit

I finished my finals last night so I am looking forward to continuing our discussion "Let's Talk About Sex" as we talk more about monogamy!

Stay tuned and go to my Facebook page to post your St. Patricks's pics!

Happy St Patricks Day parade

Saturday, March 12, 2016

Yes I am a Wedding Officiant

I just updated my website with some important links. Check it out here

Thursday, March 10, 2016

Let's Talk About Sex- Part 4- Monogamy

We've been talking about S-E-X the last couple of posts and this one is going to continue that conversation on a more serious note because we are talking about a word that seems to be more taboo that natural these days- MONOGAMY.

When people get in a relationship, most expect that they are in a relationship with each other and that their will not be any outside influences. When people get married, they expect that their mate will be their only mate for a lifetime, right? Well yes but does that really happen? When I did a Google search for "Top reasons people get divorced," among the top reasons was what? Cheating!
Ten years ago the answer was most likely financial reasons, now its "infidelity" or "cheating." Are you surprised? I'm not. People cheat and its more often than not. People do not have a common respect for each other to not be selfish and go seeking sex or partnership or companionship  or thrills besides with their partners. They are stepping outside their relationships and marriages and finding temporary solace somewhere else. They are not monogamous to their relationship.

Monogamy is the "practice of having only ONE sexual partner during a period of time" according to the Free Dictionary online. So the reason I used this definition is because it used the word PRACTICE.

In order to be great at something you have to PRACTICE, practice, practice! That means you keep working at it until it you get it right. If you're relationship is going stale and you need something more, then TALK about it FIRST. Don't go talk to someone else. I think that in most relationships and especially with social media, we tend to vent to everyone but who we should- our partner. I've been guilty of "venting" myself and even though it is okay to vent, its not good for your partner to learn about what's on your mind on your Facebook page.  So talk to your partner FIRST before you talk to someone else.

If you are not getting enough sex or the sex is not good, TALK about it and do things to enhance the sex and intimacy in your relationship. That adage of "what you won't do someone else will" is true! Their are many women and men out here who love sex and do not mind having sex with Your partner simply because they can. Don't give someone else the opportunity to sex your man or woman when you could have gotten what you wanted at home. If you are not satisfied, TALK to your partner about it and tell them what you want, need, desire and are willing to do to improve your sexual relationship.

How can you expect your partner to please you if you don't tell them that you are not pleased? Now we don't want to be disrespectful or hurt our partners feelings by saying "You don't please me." Take the time to formulate in your mind what it is you want and think before you speak. You know your partner better than anyone (or so we hope) so you should know how to talk to them without offending them (or trying not to). Being open and honest about what you want in the bedroom is very important for all relationships, so try talking about your wants and needs instead of coming off as dissatisfied or demeaning. You never know, maybe your partner has been thinking about it too and taking the initiative to talk about it is the way to open up this sometimes difficult dialogue. Or maybe what you want to do makes them uncomfortable. This is another reason to talk about it. There might be a reason why they are not doing what you want and the two of you can work it out together.

If you can't find the words to talk about it, SHOW them. If you want to try something new in the bedroom approach slowly. For instance, if you want to try oral sex on your mate and you've never done it before it might throw them off guard if you just jump between their legs and go to town. Work up to it. Caress them, ask if they are okay with it, and go from there. Sometimes its better to move slow with certain things so that it goes better. However, if you want to ride cowboy style, then my suggestion is just to go for it ladies! I don't know any man that's going to push you off (giggles*).

Another thing, some of us have higher sex drives. If you are one of those people and you are not getting it enough then TALK about it and set up ROMANTIC situations where your partner wants and will get in the mood. Sometimes we don't have more sex because either we don't make time for it or we don't give our partner a reason to want to have more sex. Rolling over on someone at night and saying I want you might work but wouldn't it be better, if you came home with dinner, rubbed their feet, engaged in a little make out session on the couch and then took it to the bedroom? Sometimes setting the mood is all you need, period.

If talking about it, initiating it and being ROMANTIC doesn't work, then we might have a problem that needs to be addressed in counseling but what if their is a reason why your mate doesn't want to have sex? What are some reasons why MEN and WOMEN cheat? I asked this question on Facebook and would love for you to chime in. We will discuss it further on my next blog post!

Good reads:

Thursday, March 3, 2016

Let's Talk About Sex- Part 3

I'm glad that you all are enjoying our discussion on S-E-X. This is one subject I knew would get attention and I was hesitant to talk about because I am a pretty open person when it comes to talking about sex and didn't want to go overboard but its been quite the contrary. People love my candidness and forthright discussion on the topic, so I wanted to talk about something that is fairly new to me (yea me...giggles*). In the last couple of years I have heard the term SAPIOSEXUAL quite a lot. When I heard it I thought it was another derogatory name for someone who was homosexual until someone told me what it was and a lightbulb went off in my mind and I've been a certified ROMANTIC Sapiosexual ever since! So what is it?

With the degradation of relationships in our society, people are looking for more than a pretty face and someone that can knock their boots. They want someone who connects with them mentally, stimulates their mind, can carry an intelligent conversation, and has more to talk about then sex. I turned 39 on January 7th and let me tell you, I feel older and I am starting to show signs of aging. Beauty fades but intelligence does not (unless their is a medical reason). Intelligence is always evolving. It is something you can count on, carries you through rough patches and is constantly learning and absorbing. So its no wonder people are so attracted to someone who is intelligent when it comes to relationships and sex. Intelligence is a sign of promise and it can turn someone you would not normally be attracted to, to someone very sexy.

So are you Sapiosexual? FYI the word comes from the word sepiens, which means wise or judicious and the word sexual. I took this test on and here are my results (also shared on my Facebook page):

You have reached 78 of 100 points, (78%)
  • If your score was between:
    0 – 25 points = Intelligence isn’t that attractive or important to you.  You are not a Sapiosexual.
    25 – 75 points = This is an average score.  You do find intelligence attractive but not necessary for sexual attraction.
    75 – 100 points = You’re Sapiosexual.  Intelligence is absolutely necessary for sexual attraction.
    Note:  Scores that fall in between the 25 – 75 point range are common, as most people tend to find intelligence an attractive quality.  However, the higher your score is to 100, the more aroused intelligence makes you.
    The Sapiosexual
    As a Sapiosexual, you have a special fetish for intelligence.  Although you may find the bodies of people attractive, and their personalities charming, unless they show any real sign of intelligence, you will not take any sexual interest in them.  Basically, a person can be the richest, most socially suave person there is, but unless they know the periodic table or the writings of Karl Marx off by heart, they are nothing but a sparkling smile to you.
    To stay long in a relationship, you must be intellectually compatible with your lover, otherwise your union was doomed from the start.  As a Sapiosexual, steamy debate is far more erotic than a baby-oil massage.  Additionally, in life, you’re much more likely to end up with a “thinker” than a “feeler”, and usually find partners in fields that require mental ingenuity rather than brute strength.
I have evolved into a Sapiosexual because my needs have changed but I have never been attracted to a man who can't hold a good conversation (or entertain me with humor). However, in my past I was more attracted to looks and desires than I was intelligence. I have learned that the sexiest man can and will treat you like a dog and the man I wouldn't quite give a second look is the one that treated me like a Queen. So now, I can date a man that isn't a 10 but still be attracted to him like my wet dreams when I think of Idris Alba (fyi he is pretty intelligent).

Have you ever wondered why people teachers and librarians are often depicted as being super sexy? In an anthology released called, The Sexy Librarian's Big Book of Erotica, the author Bix Warden writes in his intro that librarians are often featured in sexual fantasies. He said that he agreed that the brain is the sexiest organ in the body and that intelligence is sexy. He goes on to say that although you do not have to be a librarian to be sexy, librarians are "often smart and sexy, read across many genres, and can converse on many different subjects." So that explains why men are turned on when they say I look like a teacher (or librarian) with my glasses on... Hmm...

Now with every new idea that hits mainstream is the argument against it. So for many, criticizers of the term say that it is idiotic to say you are Sapiosexual because it is saying that if you are not you are attracted to idiots and that Sapiosexuals are in lala land if they are claiming that looks are not a factor in their sexual preferences or attraction to someone. So to refute this statement I can only give my personal reply to this and that of many I have talked to who also claim to be Sapiosexual and that is this: I would rather be with a person who stimulates my mind, caresses my thoughts, and challenges me to be better than to be with someone who can't do all of that and is fine as hell! When it comes down to someone who truly wants a long lasting relationship, you have to look beyond looks, material things and sex (totally off subject right). You have to look for someone who never bores you, keeps you on your toes and enhances you as a person and an intelligent person does that for me and more making them more desirable and sexier to me thus better sex because a great conversation makes me horny! and hey, if you find a man/woman who is sexy on the outside and intelligent on the inside then Ding, Ding, Ding we've hit the jackpot! Can you say awesome sex!

Good reads:

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

Let's Talk About Sex- Part 2

Yesterday we talked about reasons to not have sex right away when you are dating someone. But what about those that are already married? We all agree, I believe, that sex is a big part of any relationship and even more to marriages. I am divorced so like always I don't say I am an expert at relationships, but I do know that when things were bad in my marriage, sex was almost non-existent. I also know that a healthy relationship, good or bad, does not stop your physical attraction to each other. Sometimes sex is the way you make up and forgive (along with talking the issue out). There is nothing wrong with makeup sex, but we don't want that to be the only time we have sex with our mate.

Sex also should not only be used as a tool for what you want or as punishment. I know you have heard this saying before, "what you won't do someone else will," well we don't want to support cheating. However, we do not want your mate to feel neglected and unhappy where they stop coming to you for sex, attention, intimacy, and communication. Sex should be shared between two people that cherish each other, so using sex as a tool in a marriage is a no-no. Its cruel and unusual treatment. Don't do it.

Women and men are just as sexual in relationships, tho women tend to think that's all men think about. Its not. Your husband has the responsibility of being the provider for the family, being a good husband to you, and being a great father to the kids. He also has the responsibility of caring for your needs (mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically). You also have the responsibility to do the same for him: being a good wife, mother, running the household and caring for all of his needs. This includes sex. Sex is not just in the act. Its in the emotional and mental connection that reignites during sex.

Now are you obligated to have sex? Yes and no. Yes you have an obligation to fulfill your mates needs. However, no you do not have to sex every single time they do (though it would be nice) or when you are physically unable to (such as your menstruation cycle). Couples may not have the same sexual desires as the other but this is something you should have known BEFORE you got married and if that is the case you went into the marriage knowing it so you should be considerate of it. It would be nice that the two of you try to please each other when the other wants to have sex, but let's be realistic, not every time are you on the same horny level as your mate. If you are not in the "mood" or not feeling well, then find other ways to please your mate, so that your mate does not feel neglected or unwanted. It also may be nice that if your libido is stronger than your mate, that you come up with ways to either help them get in the mood (if they are physically able) or to help yourself get the release you need.

Marriage is stressful enough without having sex. Sex is also healthy for your relationship and you.
1. Sex helps keep your immune system active by fighting germs and viruses. According to WebMD people who have sex regularly call out less from work.
2. Sex boosts your libido. The more you do it, the more you want it. For women, sex increases your natural lubrication and blood flow.
3. Sex improves a woman's bladder flow. Good sex works out your pelvic floor muscles which strengthens them.
4. Sex lowers your blood pressure. It has been shown that having sex reduces your systolic levels (first number when taking your pressure).
5. Sex counts as exercise. Sex uses about 5 calories per minute , bumps your heart rate and uses various muscles.
6. Sex is good for your heart literally. Sex increases your heart rate and balances your estrogen and testosterone levels.
7. Sex makes prostate cancer less likely (but not a cure).  Men that ejaculate more were less likely to get prostate cancer according to a study published  by the Journal of the American Medical Association.
8. Sex helps you sleep. I don't think I need to explain this. After a good sex session, I am always sleepy....Next!
9. Sex reduces stress. Amen! Having sex with your mate reduces anxiety personally and in your relationship. When you are angry at each other but can still have sex, it reduces the anger and brings you closer together during this intimate moment.
10. Sex can reduce colds. Sex increases your body temperature and produces higher levels of antibodies that fight off colds. Take off for sex not a bad cold! I like that idea.
11. Sex gives your skin a youthful glow. Couples who have sex on average 4-5 times a week showed signs of looking younger. We mentioned above that more sex helps your body produce estrogen. Estrogen has been known to cause more shinier hair and softer looking skin.
12. Sex reduces menstrual cramps. When a woman has an orgasm, her uterus contracts which rids the body "of cramp-causing compounds" and it also "helps expel blood and tissue more quickly, helping to end your period faster," according to Women's Health.
13. Sex improves intimacy. During sex our bodies release oxytocin, affectionately known as the love hormone, which helps us build bonds, trust and generosity.

So as you can see their are many benefits to having sex including enhancing your relationship, bonding, and trust! Sex is also a great way to be ROMANTIC. Remember its not always about the act of having sex. There is so much more to it like sharing emotions and being intimate with your mate. You can be ROMANTIC before, during and after sex that will make the experience so much more enjoyable, exciting and something that your mate will want more of when you take the extra effort to make it ROMANTIC. How can sex be ROMANTIC? 

TRY FOREPLAY! Foreplay is not overrated especially when your mate not be in the mood. Getting your mate aroused and ready is sensual and can be fun. Give each other a massage, play a sex game, bring a new toy to the bedroom, or take time to explore each others bodies. Foreplay not only gets your mate in the mood but it also gets your body temperature rising, your heart rate going, the juices flowing and the anticipation screaming!
During sex, you can try new things with each other like positions or location (possibly in the kitchen instead of the bedroom). Try something that your partner mentioned but you never tried like finger play, sucking fingers, or oral sex. 
After sex, don't just get up out the bed or roll over away from each other and go to sleep. Hold each other, clean each other off, massage each others bodies, talk about how great it was, or stare into each others eyes while your heart slows down and their eyes are still twinkling from the explosion.

Sex is not a chore. Sex is not something you just do just to do it. Sex is the time for couples to explore each other, please each other, learn more about each others bodies, try new things together, be more intimate, communicate your needs and desires, and keep ROMANCE alive in your marriage. Sex can make or break a relationship, especially with men so always find time in your schedules to love on each other and enjoy great sex with spouse!

Good reads: